My Cousin Kevin

If there is a unique sense of humor in the world - along with a lightning quick wit - and a knack for observing and commenting on the "everyday absurd" - my cousin Kevin has ALL of the above!

I've been wanting to do this for a long time - and I asked his permission - so below I am posting a good number of his hilarious Facebook Status Updates.  Some have literally kept me laughing all day!

String these all together - and in my opinion - they are just as funny as any routine a good comedian could come up with.

Thanks for the great laughs, Kev.  Keep 'em coming...!

(Check back here on occasion - I will add more of his Status Updates as he comes up with new ones.)

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I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

I’d like to have another child one day. Two days, tops.

I'm going to stand outside, 

so if anyone asks I am outstanding.

Dear God, Thank You for these noodles I'm about to eat. 

Ramen.

I married my wife for her looks. 

But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

I am trying to be less negative but it'll never work.

I just saw a poster that said," Have you seen this man?"

There was a number to call. 

So I called the number and told them no.

My wife and I have opposing organization skills. 
She likes to put things 'where they belong'. 
I like to put things 'where I can find them'.

If I found apple slices in my Happy Meal when I was a kid, 

I would have lost my damn mind.

I'm standing in Wal-mart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me 
if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. 
I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". 
I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctor is optimistic.

It’s not drinking alone if the dogs are home.

I bet the “YMCA” dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine.

I have a problem WITHOUT caffeine.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like 
I'm making a healthy decision when 
I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

My wife says she is leaving me 

because, because, because, because, 

becaaaaauuuuuuuuse... 

she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine...
Well Latte Da!

My wife is a weapon of cash destruction.

For our anniversary my wife and I got one of 
those board games for couples to spice things up. 
It quickly turned into a game of Sorry 
which led to me playing a game of Uno.

If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...

I'd have...

Oh forget it, I'll count it later.

I don't know why my wife insists on buying me 
Lunchables, Fruit roll-ups, and Pudding Cups 
for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... 
She knows damn well they wont fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!

I know two wrongs don't make a right, 

but how many does it take? I'm on like 756.

You know you're a geek when you have 
an iPhone, an iPod, a PC, a laptop, a GPS system and a PDA 
but you'd swap them all for a working lightsaber.

I fought the lawn and the lawn won.

Today I am having some ice cream without sprinkles. 
Eating healthy is brutal.

Very few things upset my wife. 

So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.  

Does running late count as exercise?

I must be pretty useful because my wife keeps calling me a tool.

When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”
Don't answer.

If every day is a gift, then yesterday was socks and underwear.

Saw a "Stop Domestic Violence" bumper sticker on a VW Beatle. 
I hesitated for a moment before I instinctively 
punched my wife in the arm.

If at first you don't succeed, 

shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?